beautiful Disaster

"he drowns in his Dreams. An exquisite extreme i know. he's as damned as he seems. but more heaven than a heart could hold. and if i try to save him, my whole world could cave in, it just aint right...

He's magic & myth. as Strong as what I BELIEVE. he's tragedy with more damage than a soul should see. and do I try to change him? so hard not to blame him. Hold on tight...

I'm longing for love and the logical, but he;s only happy hysterical. i'm waiting for some kind of miracle...i've waited so long. He's soft to the touch...but frail at the ends he breaks...he's never enough...and still he's more than I can take...

oh and i dont know...i dont know what he's after...but if i could hold on through the tears & the laughter...would it be beautiful..or would it be a beautiful Disaster?"

-kcLyrics

have you ever had someone walk into your life for a brief moment. take your breath away & one unexpected second break your heart?

I have.

somehow. I had just went through a harsh breakup and a way to move on was to get out and get going for me. why waste time mourning the one who says they dont love you and cannot see themselves with you anymore. i say...get off your ass and make the most of life.

and that is what my dear friend did for me. she scheduled a "going out" event in LA a few weeks after my breakup had happened. I was hesitant..but managed to say yes. there's a first step towards everything new...especially when your left with everything you only knew.

the day finally arrived. I could barely get my appetite up, and my heart was in an awkward place still. "where do I go from here? what will i do next?"

i managed to remind myself that i Should live up to my own expectations in believing, "expect the unexpected & live my life to the fullest"

and there I was. makeup, heels and perfume...I was on my way to this date night out with my best friend.

we arrived in La fashionably on time! only to greet her mutual friends and the band we were supposed to watch, i grew uncomfortable as the crowd grew and people were shoulder to shoulder.

i need another cocktail, please.

the music was good. and upstairs to the second familiar show. only to be surrounded by more people. no where to stand. and ten minutes in i found a spot where no one could touch me, and i could continue to put the effort forth for a good time. seconds later, a finger pointed at me, waved towards the group in VIP. I second guessed myself by responding with a finger pointing at myself with a questionable look upon my face.

"me?"

a nod, yes. i move my way over to the vip area

the short stalky man asks..."are you here with anyone?"

"yes" i replied, trying to yell over the crowd.

"are you with your boyfriend?!"

a knife sticks in my heart as i force myself to speak the words.."no."

i then realize thats the first time i am alone.

no companion.

"i am here with my best friend." i continue.

"bring her on up here and join us for the evening!"

i then wave to my best friend and tell her to join me. with a bright smile and a shocked look in her eyes. she joins me on the adventure.

unexpectedly, this man approaches me from behind...gently taps my should and whispers "youre absolutely beautiful!"

i turn around to politely thank him. only drawn in by his eyes and beautiful smile. i stumbled on my words.

a few eye contact moments & smiles later we were all outside and invited to an after party. only to find out it was going to be a late night if proceeded when others had an early morning just a few short hours later. the young gentleman then asks if we could trade numbers to keep in touch. i Then throw my friend under the bus, saying I do not have my phone on me, so take hers instead! lame, right?

a few weeks later, he pursues to find me. not only by asking my best friend for information, but by me wanting to take charge and get his number to let him know how to find me. add me. you know..etc.

we then continue to talk. flirt. and finally make a date. the date where you get all giddy inside, and butterflies that cause nervousness. i was in new Orleans at the time celebrating my grandparent's 50th anniversary.

I can say that geography heals the wounded heart. i think my life changed that weekend in hopes for a new start...i had faith in myself again. it felt good to be in control and have a strength in me like i have never had before.

i get home. go on that date. enjoy awhile in san diego. go on another date...then another...everything is amazing. we connect. laugh. dance. the look from across the room where you know what one-another is exactly thinking...perfect. just what i hoped for in the dating life...

Then...one day i get the "i need to talk to you later" message....a put a bullet in my forehead while your at it talk...a "i want to work things out with my ex" decision of all things.

the person i am...i want the best for anyone. no matter the circumstance. my mind wanted it to be different, but my heart wanted what was best for him. so i let him go. on terms of friendship. keep in touch. run into one another. if we do...say a friendly hello.

the lesson i have learned in the last 2 years is...you cant make someone love you if they dont. it just doesnt happen.

women all over this world waste their time in trying to change a man. it doesnt happen. and you know what? we should be the same way. HONEST! you never see a man trying to change a woman! let's be honest with ourselves and others. if we can tell the truth and avoid causing more pain in the end. then we should say what we want. when we want it.

in the end i respected his decision. wished him well. and went on my merry way. yes. i was bummed. i wont lie about that...but theres a plan for us in this life. free will is given to us...so in my freewill, i went on the best i could. i dated. had fun. lived it up while i could. i met amazing people along the way. and yes. he & i stayed in touch. it was nice to get a hello here and there from him. i enjoy the keeping in touch thing.

but then...i took my treasured friend to one of his performances in LA...and he did a damn good job. i think a singers voice can deceive a heart in so many ways. and i was trapped in the voice. but at the end i had to remind myself that it is a performance. its not real...

magic & myth.

and my treasured friend reminded me of the familiar scene she had once been in.

"women to men like him are disposable. and you are more deserving than that."

when im unavailable. he wants what he cant have. but when my time was available...he was unreachable. talk about hysterical. all of this was only as Strong as i wanted it to be. he was more than i could handle...and my treasured friend is right. i AM more deserving than that. and so are each and every one of you out there.

my epiphany led me to this conclusion one day. and although he may be beautiful...the deceit would be a never-ending storm. only to leave behind a disaster of destruction. where id find my heart in a million pieces and have to pick myself up again.

its not worth it. when i know someone is out there for me. who i dont have to chase. or worry about trusting their heart...because they have a heart. a heart to share with me.