star Bright, star Light.

Over and over again people have said…

“You should write a book.”

I’ve always wanted to. But, where to start? I have so many things to say…so many stories to tell, advice to give on dating and most of all…ive had an interesting life from the moment of my very first memory. Enough to make you cry, laugh, love and question life and its purpose.

So here I am. Blogging. It’s a story here and there…and in the end of each; a lesson learned is a lesson shared. Inspiring the ones who decide to read.

Yesterday, I was inspired to write about family. Not about having my own family. Just my family.

“Your children need your presence more than your presents.” ~Jesse Jackson

Relationship status: it’s COMPLICATED.

I never met my biological family on my Father’s side until I was 16 years old.

I was that kid during summer who spent all day outside playing. Creating adventures with my brother. And when the sun would turn to dusk, I’d wish upon the first star I could spot.

“star bright, star light. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, I hope I get my wish tonight…”
And I would scrunch my eyes so tight and… “I wish I could meet my Dad!” then gaze at that one lonely star in the sky knowing it heard my wish first.

Now the perspective I had on my father that young was… “he’s so wonderful! Amazing, brilliant and gives the most amazing hugs a girl could ever ask for.” He’d come to my rescue and save me when I needed it!

Patiently, I waited. For years. and years…

The day finally arrived when he showed up one summer day to my Grandparent’s house in Springtown, Texas. My brother and I were spending the Summer there as we always had growing up. I was nervous. Anxious, and most of all scared. I finally get to meet my Dad! I can see where I get my blue eyes…long legs…and….wow! I was overwhelmed. He came in the door with flowers in hand and a hug ready. It wasn’t the hug I had imagined…it was nervous too. I made sure I had my brother with me at all times. He was there for about a week. I was sad to see him go…but I looked forward to finally building that relationship I had longed for.

That Christmas, my dad picked up my brother and I from texas again…and we drove to Marksville, Louisianna. I met all of my aunts & uncles…cousins…stepfamily & grandparents. I spent a total of two days there…and I was so happy to finally see the roots to the missing part of my tree.

The relationship with my dad didn’t go very well after that. I had envisioned something that would never be. I was really let down. It didn’t go the way I had planned. When does it ever go that way?

Im 25 now. I’m still an old soul. But I still wish for things. I dream of things. But “things” do not provide security. My dad spent Christmas with me this last year. It was amazing. We did the whole Disneyland thing, went out, watched movies and talked a lot. He was in the midst of a divorce, and had realized he deserved better for himself. I was so proud of him to finally be taking this step forward. Especially the step forward of building our relationship. You can imagine the excitement I had. My wish had finally come true.

6 months later. He is engaged. Now he is on his way to another marriage. I believe his third. My last trip out to New Orleans Louisiana, he paid for my ticket. Then, he chose not to visit me after I arrived.

In an email; I had revealed my disappointment & feelings of being let down, forgotten, and most of all finding out about his engagement through a source on the internet. He met someone to fulfill the emptiness in his heart that had gone missing years ago. During his dating extravaganza, the phone calls, and messages lessened.

As someone’s child, there is entitlement to sharing your feelings. As appropriate as it can be. They should still be kept between you and your parent. Not the whole world. Honesty is the best policy. I will share this with you over & over. Being HONEST is how I work. I wanted to share my feelings so he could absorb them and then we could talk about it when I arrived. Yea…that never happened. I received an apology two weeks too late.

I had already forgiven him. Moved on. Laid my boundaries of what the relationship would be from that point on. I could not bare to be let down once again, nor cry once more about it.

I understand that parents are not given a handbook on how to raise their children perfectly. We are all human and make mistakes. But you would think after 25 years, if the opportunity arose to make things better, you would do your best to take advantage of that. Learn from it. Move on.

What I have learned is that as humans we yearn an “in flesh” relationship with our parents. Is it the title they are given as “parent” that we expect that? We shouldn’t. Although I may not ever have that desired relationship with my given earthly father, I do have the opportunity to build one with my heavenly father. Its there…so I want to take advantage of it. Make it better while I can.

people have come into my life, and shown me love, support, guidance and opportunity…and they were not my “parent.”

With that said; I have a chance to build relationships with the rest of my family. The ones that count; that reciprocate love and will support & respect my decisions in life. Say their feelings no matter how it may hurt me. If it’s the truth, it’s what I want to hear…and know about. It’s the only way to make a change if there is conflict. I have friends who are like family to me. In this world we are all family somehow…blood related doesn’t define your relationship. It defines a relatable chain of history.

“You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at their parents every time around - and why their parents will always wave back.” ~William D. Tammeus