The Crash of 2010

We can all recall history and the crash of 1929. It was the most devastating Stock market Crash in the History of the United States. Irving Fischer had said that “stock prices have reached what looks like a permanent plateau.” $2 out of every $5 dollars a bank loaned was used to purchase stocks. When that bell rang on October 23rd at 3pm, people were shaken. Stock prices suddenly plummeted. And as the story goes; the opening bell was never heard on Black Tuesday because the shouts of “Sell! Sell! Sell!” drowned it out. $2 Million Dollars disappeared into thin air that day. In total, $25 Billion – some $319 Billion in today’s Dollars. In the years to follow, it became known as The Great Depression.

Now, of course a down slide always leads to an uphill rise…eventually. And if you think about it long enough, that is how life is. And that is how life has been for me this year. I call it the Crash of 2010.

When the New Year’s Bell rang at 12:00am, my friends and I celebrated with a million hugs and kisses. And mind you, a few good bottles of Champagne. It was a feeling of hope and desire of looking forward to a good year. With that in mind of course, my life began to change instantly. With a few downers in 2009, things were looking up. My Dearest; who I had been roommates with for almost 4 years were taking new ground as we went our separate ways to rent rooms, save money and get ready for an enduring education for a BIG Diploma. It was probably one of the hardest things to do. Having to take a step back, to move 10 steps forward is never easy. I had to let go of a “fun” freedom I had grown accustomed to for so long…get my seatbelt on and hold on.

I narrowed my life down, moved in with Steve and Jalaine and they immediately took me under their wings. It was temporary. But I kept thinking; “what’s next?” Where am I going to go when I have so much financial responsibility to take care of? I didn’t want to get behind. So I stood ground and took with a grain of salt. I was enjoying the dating world, and with one special man in particular. It was when we were on a date at this amazing Italian place that my stress had been relieved. I received a text from Steve.

“Just thinking about you and how happy I am to have you living with us! Hope your evening is going well my dear! Ps-I don’t want you to move out!!!!!!! You are here as long as you need.”

My eyes lit up with happiness and a weight had been lifted from my shoulders to worry about a deadline.

Up, up, I go.

A few weeks later, my Grandpa is diagnosed with cancer. He is given less than 6 months to live. I hadn’t spoken with him in over a year. Considering what he had done to my grandmother, I had forgiven him. I just wasn’t ready to speak with him. What would I say? My Mom left immediately to help him back to health and take him to all of his appointments. From what I know, they had some very intimate conversations of family, relationships and love.

“I wrote a couple of notes, one in love, one in anger. They’re there dying in the dresser drawer.”

I wrote. But I never sent them.

April 16th, my world is turned upside down. Steve, my mentor, friend and fatherly role model had suddenly passed away. I can still remember that day. How my heart had exploded and melted just like lava flowing into the ocean. Rock hardening and still.

April 20th, my world crumbled. At 59, my grandpa had suddenly passed away. Only two months after diagnosis. I met my brother at the airport that Sunday to fly out to Texas to mourn the loss of another great role model. It amazes me that family really unites when tragedy strikes. Just like the remainder for this world. Don’t you remember September 11th? We bond together, cry together and link hearts because we all feel the very same way. After that day, reality set in. My Grandpa’s Children were ready to swipe material items and (not mentioning names) others couldn’t wait to get a life insurance check in the mail. The only thing I searched for was a picture frame I had given him for Christmas a few years back. Engraved was; “Grandpa and Me” an original picture of him and I when I was 4 years old blowing out his 39th Birthday candles.

I don’t think people understand the grief process until they; them-selves experience it. It was not a very good feeling having certain people expect that I should get over it after four months had passed. I slipped into a depression. Hiding out from my social life and sleeping as much as I could. I then realized I wasn’t sure why I was so depressed. I had never felt so sad and unjustified in my life. Yes, I will admit, I gained weight and had no motivation to do my hair or make-up every day. I was not me. This is not who I am.

“Now I cant laugh, cant cry and I cant run, cant hide. You get used to the pain and numb to the sting til’ you cant feel anything.”-Keepyou-Sugarland.

I reached out to Janis. Jalaine’s Mother. I emailed her about my feelings of being stuck and not sure if how I was feeling was right. I was lost. Within a day she replied to me and she nailed it right on the head. “Your life becomes even more unraveled. You miss Steve and your Grandpa. You come home and it is filled with people you don't know. Your role that had been consistent was now in chaos. I'm sure you wondered where you fit in. And I'm sure you still feel that way. Your world has been rocked... hard! People have no idea how you are feeling. It must still be that way. You have not been able to talk with all that's going on. I see what you are going through, and I care! We care! Possibly you are in "escape mode" (like I feel a lot of the time). If we close our eyes, it will just all have been a dream…and things are normal…”

With changes in effect; July rolled up to me right before my eyes, and I was on my way to spend a week in New Orleans with my family. It was my cousin Belicia’s wedding shower. Not only did drama happen with my Dad (as you may have read before) but as I know “geography can cure a broken heart.” It had done wonders for me before, and this time I had a chance to get to know more about my closest relatives. I had a chance to talk without anyone judging me. With hurt on top of hurt, I felt as though the love they expressed towards me was all that mattered and I was happy in my moment there.

When I arrived home; reality had come back. I had to work. Not only the new job I had started, but work on mending a relationship with God. Realizing I am not in charge and there is a plan for everyone. There were a lot of “why this?” I spent the rest of the summer getting back self motivation. Coffee meets with my girlfriends discussing insecurities and the latest news on life and love. I spent more time with Steve’s girls. I spoke of my feelings and experiences. I even had dreams of the ones I lost more frequently. When I would awake, I would feel at peace like it was a sign that “everything is going to be okay.” They say time heals all wounds. Time has passed, and wounds are still fresh…

"A cord of three strands is not easily broken." Ecc. 4:12 (me, God and whoever is with me in support)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

"For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

September 26th, we spend a beautiful day at the beach and Steve’s ashes are scattered from a plane over the doheny beach ocean. I then take a walk into the ocean with my 4 Hagemeister family members and get baptized.

September 28th, my uncle’s father passes away from a massive heart attack. He was like a dad to my Mom and my heart aches for them. I pray.
As fall comes around, I enjoy the time I am given. I have bad days and good days. I treated myself this last week, purchasing some pumpkin spice candles…getting a facial and my hair done. I took the time a few days this week to actually wake up earlier than normal and get “ready” for the day. I am slowly coming back to ME.

As I head for a trip to Nashville and Cincinnati next week. I know the doors are going to open for me. I will get to enjoy my cousins wedding and the chance to meet some really great people. In tough times you still have to enjoy other people’s life celebrations. It brings joy to the soul and lets us remember to have hope for our own future.

“Lived louder than my voice, struggled through a stranger. It’s a bittersweet victory.”

Up, up I will go.