the Hand-Shake Certification.

Have you ever noticed that when the clock strikes midnight on December 31st…we go into a mode of…”my new year’s resolution this year is….” ? Then a month goes by and of course we slack off and pretty much by Easter Sunday we find ourselves off the regimen.

Well I always think what mine could be…but I never settle on one thing. I brainstorm. Let the months pass usually cannot execute ONE thing I want to do.
However, when it does come for me to choose I’ve noticed I start mine at the end of summer. I have had half a year to grow and experience to choose a true “challenge.”
I will call it a resolution…well when I finish it.

Every year I challenge myself to something different. I do not go with the typical “I want to lose weight, get fit, stay in shape” goal. Only because I want to strive to be fit all of the time. It’s a constant challenge. So I figure why not expand my horizons…and one summer I literally did. I was terrified to fly, and so I bought a one way ticket; to fly from San Francisco to Orange County alone. Of course a few drinks later, I was fine. Since then, I have made numerous travels on planes, and as hard as it still is; I pack my bags and get on the plane…and go. It may take a xanax to calm my nerves; but talk about an enjoyable experience in the end.

Last week after I wrote, I was sitting down in Mrs. Hagemeister’s backyard with our dear friend Joe. I was explaining about how I had started the blog page last year and had never really added anything to it…that lately I was finding myself to write about something every week.

Joe looks at me and says “well I challenge you to write a blog every week for the next year!”

I reply…mildly looking for an excuse. Then with enthusiasm, I respond “ok, you have a deal!”

We shook on it with big smiles on our faces.

In my mind, hoping that I do have something to write about each week! I do not want to fail this challenge.

SO my fellow readers and followers, I will be posting my blogs each week by Sunday night at 12am.

I have journals upon journals that I have written in. I would write to escape…and I could grow inside to out. I wrote almost every day. I even had notebooks with my best friends in High-School. They pretty much are like letters to one another. Asking advice…giving honest advice…sharing feelings.

I speak through written words.

When I had moved down to Southern California to start a new life, I was in a long distance relationship. It was pretty committed, and some of my closest friends never approved. But I did. Until one day when I had noticed my journal was slightly not in its original spot. My boyfriend at the time had been visiting and I wanted to believe he would never intervene with my personal space. I wanted to ignore it as long as I could…but I knew I would not be able to enjoy his visit if I didn’t ask.
So I confronted him. He admitted to reading a few entries. I felt completely betrayed. It was as if all I had ever written about was stolen from underneath me.

I am not the typical writer of:

Dear Diary,
I have had a crappy day. And now it is even worse because my boyfriend read this!
Love,
Me.

I write with pure intention to tell a story. So in 90 years I can look back and remember what I had experienced, cried about, said and enjoyed. I have always been a writer. Did you know that my senior year in high school, I wrote a majority of the stories published in the yearbook? I was then awarded with:
“Writer of the Year 2003”
I even had a poem I wrote about my friend published in a book. I wanted to attend Columbia University in New York City to become an extraordinary journalist. I had taken every possible English and creative writing class offered in High School. It was my muse.

And after that one day; I couldn't’t even bring myself to continue that journal. I never did finish it. I even tried buying other journals. Only to start and never finish.

My friend D bought me a beautiful journal and had written on the start page… “let this help you to continue your legacy.”

I started it…and never finished it. There were times I wanted to rip the pages out and start all over. I never did.

Here I sit. To be challenged to write every week for a year. It is definitely opening an old wound…but I am going to take it on. I have wanted to write everyday for the last 3 years and have not had the courage. This is my New Year’s pledge.

As a promise to my readers, I will not resist and write from my heart and soul. As I always have. I anticipate you enjoy the weeks ahead as I continue this experience. To inspire, love, share hope and change.

I will enjoy each and every one of your opinions and stories. Please feel free to share with me your relatable experiences. I will truly appreciate all of your support.

“Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing” –Abe Lincoln

star Bright, star Light.

Over and over again people have said…

“You should write a book.”

I’ve always wanted to. But, where to start? I have so many things to say…so many stories to tell, advice to give on dating and most of all…ive had an interesting life from the moment of my very first memory. Enough to make you cry, laugh, love and question life and its purpose.

So here I am. Blogging. It’s a story here and there…and in the end of each; a lesson learned is a lesson shared. Inspiring the ones who decide to read.

Yesterday, I was inspired to write about family. Not about having my own family. Just my family.

“Your children need your presence more than your presents.” ~Jesse Jackson

Relationship status: it’s COMPLICATED.

I never met my biological family on my Father’s side until I was 16 years old.

I was that kid during summer who spent all day outside playing. Creating adventures with my brother. And when the sun would turn to dusk, I’d wish upon the first star I could spot.

“star bright, star light. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, I hope I get my wish tonight…”
And I would scrunch my eyes so tight and… “I wish I could meet my Dad!” then gaze at that one lonely star in the sky knowing it heard my wish first.

Now the perspective I had on my father that young was… “he’s so wonderful! Amazing, brilliant and gives the most amazing hugs a girl could ever ask for.” He’d come to my rescue and save me when I needed it!

Patiently, I waited. For years. and years…

The day finally arrived when he showed up one summer day to my Grandparent’s house in Springtown, Texas. My brother and I were spending the Summer there as we always had growing up. I was nervous. Anxious, and most of all scared. I finally get to meet my Dad! I can see where I get my blue eyes…long legs…and….wow! I was overwhelmed. He came in the door with flowers in hand and a hug ready. It wasn’t the hug I had imagined…it was nervous too. I made sure I had my brother with me at all times. He was there for about a week. I was sad to see him go…but I looked forward to finally building that relationship I had longed for.

That Christmas, my dad picked up my brother and I from texas again…and we drove to Marksville, Louisianna. I met all of my aunts & uncles…cousins…stepfamily & grandparents. I spent a total of two days there…and I was so happy to finally see the roots to the missing part of my tree.

The relationship with my dad didn’t go very well after that. I had envisioned something that would never be. I was really let down. It didn’t go the way I had planned. When does it ever go that way?

Im 25 now. I’m still an old soul. But I still wish for things. I dream of things. But “things” do not provide security. My dad spent Christmas with me this last year. It was amazing. We did the whole Disneyland thing, went out, watched movies and talked a lot. He was in the midst of a divorce, and had realized he deserved better for himself. I was so proud of him to finally be taking this step forward. Especially the step forward of building our relationship. You can imagine the excitement I had. My wish had finally come true.

6 months later. He is engaged. Now he is on his way to another marriage. I believe his third. My last trip out to New Orleans Louisiana, he paid for my ticket. Then, he chose not to visit me after I arrived.

In an email; I had revealed my disappointment & feelings of being let down, forgotten, and most of all finding out about his engagement through a source on the internet. He met someone to fulfill the emptiness in his heart that had gone missing years ago. During his dating extravaganza, the phone calls, and messages lessened.

As someone’s child, there is entitlement to sharing your feelings. As appropriate as it can be. They should still be kept between you and your parent. Not the whole world. Honesty is the best policy. I will share this with you over & over. Being HONEST is how I work. I wanted to share my feelings so he could absorb them and then we could talk about it when I arrived. Yea…that never happened. I received an apology two weeks too late.

I had already forgiven him. Moved on. Laid my boundaries of what the relationship would be from that point on. I could not bare to be let down once again, nor cry once more about it.

I understand that parents are not given a handbook on how to raise their children perfectly. We are all human and make mistakes. But you would think after 25 years, if the opportunity arose to make things better, you would do your best to take advantage of that. Learn from it. Move on.

What I have learned is that as humans we yearn an “in flesh” relationship with our parents. Is it the title they are given as “parent” that we expect that? We shouldn’t. Although I may not ever have that desired relationship with my given earthly father, I do have the opportunity to build one with my heavenly father. Its there…so I want to take advantage of it. Make it better while I can.

people have come into my life, and shown me love, support, guidance and opportunity…and they were not my “parent.”

With that said; I have a chance to build relationships with the rest of my family. The ones that count; that reciprocate love and will support & respect my decisions in life. Say their feelings no matter how it may hurt me. If it’s the truth, it’s what I want to hear…and know about. It’s the only way to make a change if there is conflict. I have friends who are like family to me. In this world we are all family somehow…blood related doesn’t define your relationship. It defines a relatable chain of history.

“You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at their parents every time around - and why their parents will always wave back.” ~William D. Tammeus

beautiful Disaster

"he drowns in his Dreams. An exquisite extreme i know. he's as damned as he seems. but more heaven than a heart could hold. and if i try to save him, my whole world could cave in, it just aint right...

He's magic & myth. as Strong as what I BELIEVE. he's tragedy with more damage than a soul should see. and do I try to change him? so hard not to blame him. Hold on tight...

I'm longing for love and the logical, but he;s only happy hysterical. i'm waiting for some kind of miracle...i've waited so long. He's soft to the touch...but frail at the ends he breaks...he's never enough...and still he's more than I can take...

oh and i dont know...i dont know what he's after...but if i could hold on through the tears & the laughter...would it be beautiful..or would it be a beautiful Disaster?"

-kcLyrics

have you ever had someone walk into your life for a brief moment. take your breath away & one unexpected second break your heart?

I have.

somehow. I had just went through a harsh breakup and a way to move on was to get out and get going for me. why waste time mourning the one who says they dont love you and cannot see themselves with you anymore. i say...get off your ass and make the most of life.

and that is what my dear friend did for me. she scheduled a "going out" event in LA a few weeks after my breakup had happened. I was hesitant..but managed to say yes. there's a first step towards everything new...especially when your left with everything you only knew.

the day finally arrived. I could barely get my appetite up, and my heart was in an awkward place still. "where do I go from here? what will i do next?"

i managed to remind myself that i Should live up to my own expectations in believing, "expect the unexpected & live my life to the fullest"

and there I was. makeup, heels and perfume...I was on my way to this date night out with my best friend.

we arrived in La fashionably on time! only to greet her mutual friends and the band we were supposed to watch, i grew uncomfortable as the crowd grew and people were shoulder to shoulder.

i need another cocktail, please.

the music was good. and upstairs to the second familiar show. only to be surrounded by more people. no where to stand. and ten minutes in i found a spot where no one could touch me, and i could continue to put the effort forth for a good time. seconds later, a finger pointed at me, waved towards the group in VIP. I second guessed myself by responding with a finger pointing at myself with a questionable look upon my face.

"me?"

a nod, yes. i move my way over to the vip area

the short stalky man asks..."are you here with anyone?"

"yes" i replied, trying to yell over the crowd.

"are you with your boyfriend?!"

a knife sticks in my heart as i force myself to speak the words.."no."

i then realize thats the first time i am alone.

no companion.

"i am here with my best friend." i continue.

"bring her on up here and join us for the evening!"

i then wave to my best friend and tell her to join me. with a bright smile and a shocked look in her eyes. she joins me on the adventure.

unexpectedly, this man approaches me from behind...gently taps my should and whispers "youre absolutely beautiful!"

i turn around to politely thank him. only drawn in by his eyes and beautiful smile. i stumbled on my words.

a few eye contact moments & smiles later we were all outside and invited to an after party. only to find out it was going to be a late night if proceeded when others had an early morning just a few short hours later. the young gentleman then asks if we could trade numbers to keep in touch. i Then throw my friend under the bus, saying I do not have my phone on me, so take hers instead! lame, right?

a few weeks later, he pursues to find me. not only by asking my best friend for information, but by me wanting to take charge and get his number to let him know how to find me. add me. you know..etc.

we then continue to talk. flirt. and finally make a date. the date where you get all giddy inside, and butterflies that cause nervousness. i was in new Orleans at the time celebrating my grandparent's 50th anniversary.

I can say that geography heals the wounded heart. i think my life changed that weekend in hopes for a new start...i had faith in myself again. it felt good to be in control and have a strength in me like i have never had before.

i get home. go on that date. enjoy awhile in san diego. go on another date...then another...everything is amazing. we connect. laugh. dance. the look from across the room where you know what one-another is exactly thinking...perfect. just what i hoped for in the dating life...

Then...one day i get the "i need to talk to you later" message....a put a bullet in my forehead while your at it talk...a "i want to work things out with my ex" decision of all things.

the person i am...i want the best for anyone. no matter the circumstance. my mind wanted it to be different, but my heart wanted what was best for him. so i let him go. on terms of friendship. keep in touch. run into one another. if we do...say a friendly hello.

the lesson i have learned in the last 2 years is...you cant make someone love you if they dont. it just doesnt happen.

women all over this world waste their time in trying to change a man. it doesnt happen. and you know what? we should be the same way. HONEST! you never see a man trying to change a woman! let's be honest with ourselves and others. if we can tell the truth and avoid causing more pain in the end. then we should say what we want. when we want it.

in the end i respected his decision. wished him well. and went on my merry way. yes. i was bummed. i wont lie about that...but theres a plan for us in this life. free will is given to us...so in my freewill, i went on the best i could. i dated. had fun. lived it up while i could. i met amazing people along the way. and yes. he & i stayed in touch. it was nice to get a hello here and there from him. i enjoy the keeping in touch thing.

but then...i took my treasured friend to one of his performances in LA...and he did a damn good job. i think a singers voice can deceive a heart in so many ways. and i was trapped in the voice. but at the end i had to remind myself that it is a performance. its not real...

magic & myth.

and my treasured friend reminded me of the familiar scene she had once been in.

"women to men like him are disposable. and you are more deserving than that."

when im unavailable. he wants what he cant have. but when my time was available...he was unreachable. talk about hysterical. all of this was only as Strong as i wanted it to be. he was more than i could handle...and my treasured friend is right. i AM more deserving than that. and so are each and every one of you out there.

my epiphany led me to this conclusion one day. and although he may be beautiful...the deceit would be a never-ending storm. only to leave behind a disaster of destruction. where id find my heart in a million pieces and have to pick myself up again.

its not worth it. when i know someone is out there for me. who i dont have to chase. or worry about trusting their heart...because they have a heart. a heart to share with me.

cross my Heart &....

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world...we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends."---Carrie Bradshaw



Friendship.



Mine are relationships. ive had some bad ones, let go of the toxic ones...and of course have been blessed with the most amazing people to call my best friends.



To have a strong friendship; you have to work at it to keep it.



break down walls, to only rebuild doors that open to the wholeness of your heart.



Im in the so called "quarter-life crisis in my time. i do not know where I am going next. but with my friends there, I have a firm support group to embrace me and my place in this world. we discuss honest experiences over a cup of coffee or even a glass of wine. we give advice, we listen, cry, laugh, almost pee our pants, sing, dance and even admit our faults & insecurities.

we Grow.

i Ponder...and even doubt. are the people who act like friends, and turn around & tell their opinions of me and my life choices & experiences to complete strangers? a crime has been committed.

they say Jealousy is the GREEN monster....but Gossip. a tall tale.

who cares. but when i see them next...or who i know who knows about my personal being...im frustrated because they are judging me based off of another person's lips...& opinion. we are entitled to our feelings and opinions. understandable. but there's a line that's crossed when it involves me; personally.

i lose trust, regain reality consciousness...and a THICK boundary line is placed ahead of me in front of that person at all times. a breakup is on the verge. and my heart is broken.



people change. but can they learn from a behavior problem they may possibly not know about?

confrontation....ummm. that is never easy, & seems to never go well.


im at a point that cutting toxic behaviors out of my life is like snipping a strangling piece of thread from my favorite t-shirt. easy. right?

can justice be served? I may never know & i don't mind it.

the only thing I do know...is that my true friends will always be there. We may not talk everyday because we live our own lives. we may not agree on everything. we have our own relationships. work odd hours. new jobs and re-locations... if we make plans and have to re-schedule an hour before, there isnt a feeling of rejection...there's an understanding. but there's an effort we make. a commitment to one another. an unnecessary unsaid pact. a union of trust.

to keep a secret and not say a word. cross my Heart &...

move forward.

Everyone has crossed my path in life for a reason. friend or not. I can look back & see what I have learned. tuck it in my pocket and never forget it. continue to give love...& friendship.




"me & you have sure been through our share of laughter and regrets. Lord knows we've had our bad days, and more than once we've disagreed...you can be so stubborn. I hope & pray I live to see the day you say I might be right. and there's times i'd rather kill you...than listen to your honesty. time and again...you've been the one to take my hand and show to me its okay to be the way i am. with no apology. you've always been a friend to me. & you will til' God knows when."---GB